It makes us do and say the most irrational and self-defeating things. Yet, despite how much we are better off without it, once bitterness takes hold, its grip is like that of a boa constrictor. When you are bitter, you believe that someone else has the problem. Not you. So how can you convince a bitter person that something might be wrong with the way they are thinking, especially given the characteristics that bitterness suggests as listed above?
Walking on eggshells is a better description. After all, the bitter person is not your enemy. The bitterness itself is the real offender — for both of you. Just like the bitter person needs to deal with his stuck-in-time anger, you also have to just let that go too. Related: The Power Of Forgiveness. A person harboring bitterness needs to forgive.
Forgiveness is simply the act of surrendering our desire for revenge; that is, our desire to hurt someone for having hurt us. Forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves that enables us to stop picking at the scab and start making a plan for healing. Working with a life coach, for instance, can help you see possibilities that your pain has blinded you to and give you new tools to heal the wounds that are holding you back.
Bitter people can be hard to deal with, and bitterness can be difficult…but not impossible to overcome. If we stop dwelling and retelling the story to ourselves and to whoever will listen and instead put our focus on what we can do today to take a step towards a solution, we will feel more in control and less a victim of circumstance. Bitter people and the people around them need to stop playing the victim and have a mentality that they can control their lives, who they interact with, and who are in charge of their future.
According to who? You have moved country, started again, you have taken a really hard course, made huge opportunity for yourself. And the first time it goes wrong you are a failure?
As for age, many people change careers completely even in middle age. This is another assumption. You are a hugely intelligent person. There are jobs out there even without the final certification. Just to show you the power of perspective — someone else might say, great! I am totally burned out, I have had a terrible time, I now have a year to recuperate and live my life a little before I try again!
Yes, that is a bit facetious, but at the same time, do you know the future? Do you really know what will happen next? That is serious and can have real consequences, was the counsellor a warm, empathic person you trusted you could really talk to about this? Or just someone who bunged you on drugs? Sounds like you might be in America. Or you might want to do a round of CBT therapy to help with the cognitive distortions.
We wish you luck. I find myself angry at people over really petty issues to the extent that my voice even breaks as i try to suppress this annoyance. I avoid people as i am highly susceptible to anger. I lack tolerance when people are slow in seeing things i perceive too obvious. I want to be nice to everybody i meet but even when i mean good, my voice is all broken with bitterness.
Even when im giving out instructions to subordinates i always sound angry. It sounds tough. And is it possible that you also have really critical thoughts toward yourself if you take the time to listen to your internal soundtrack? It feels like there is a lot of judgment towards self somehow too.
That kind of stuff builds up inside until it becomes inner torment that then starts to leak out all over our lives. You need support, to be listened to, and to be seen, to be fully seen, the you behind all these behaviours and thoughts you are trapped behind. It can be a terrifying thought, to reach out for help, but you are obviously strong enough to be here researching so you are strong enough to take that next step and find help. What is the worse thing that can happen?
And if it feels too overwhelming, start with short term therapy. We wish you courage. I used the word bitter today to discribe how I was feeling about things not going my way at work. So I looked up that word and realized that this word describes me as a whole. What could have been? And I dwell on so many different things I give myself a headache. I think being a bitter person could be contributing to so many mental,soul and health problems.
This behavior has hurt relationship with people because they get tired of hearing it. I do look at others pictures on social media and feel sorry for myself.
Can I ever be rid of this bitterness? Yes, Gloria, you absolutely can. Bitterness is, as you intuit, driven by negative core beliefs and our thinking. So if we change our beliefs and our thinking then this starts to shift. Cognitive behavioural therapy CBT might be a good starting point. It focuses on helping you recognise and change the negative thoughts that start the cycle of bitterness in the first place.
If this is the case, you might also want to try a longer form therapy that helps you look at and resolve your past. Finally, we suggest you look into a gratitude practise, which is proven by research to change moods and wellbeing. Every one likes him, he makes friends so easy and finds it so easy to join groups to have fun.
I on the other hand have no self esteem and hide away in my house. I just cant do it. I know how my husband does it but i am too shy and too self conscious even though if i do go out i come across as an extravert but feel so much like an introvert in the inside.
Carol, that sounds very hard. You are suffering from deep rooted shame and low self-esteem. It probably has nothing to do with your husband, it could stem from a childhood experience that left you feeling not good enough and, as you say, afraid of being abandoned. There is a good chance your husband already feels your hidden world anyway, and he might be happy to hear you explain all this, if you did it in an open, non blaming way.
It could really clear the air. So a better option would be to talk to a therapist, a counsellor or psychotherapist or counselling psychologist. They could help you work through the charge around all of this, get to the root of it. And help you explore the best ways to communicate all this to the husband you love in a way that heals over damages your relationship.
We hope you find the courage to do so. These feelings can definitely be healed. You can find a way through. It might not be fast, it might be tough going for a bit, but you can feel better and even in the future feel more comfortable in social situations — therapy helps you gain back your lost self-esteem. I am overwhelmed and so confused. I am waking up to realize that I can no longer control myself when I drink.
Things happen and the guilt and shame the next day is so depressing. I am caught in a repetitious depressing hopeless cycle. I am finding out that I am full of bitterness and anger. I am going to make a list of all the things so I can get them out of my mind and I am going to stop drinking.
I have too much bitterness and shame to risk adding fuel to the fire with alcohol. I am going to pray that the Lord will bring me help and restore me to the happy balanced person I really am. Hi Jan, anger is quite common with alcoholism. And until we really decide to deal with all of it, the addictions tend to continue.
Would you consider reaching out for some counselling? All the best. I have a lot of trouble overcoming the bitterness in my life. Also I hate it how my younger siblings always get to do some things before I do, like learning to drive or mow the lawn or watching mature movies.
Some of my siblings mimicked the passions I had, and they would get carving sets and or hoop skirts or art materials instead of me.
My mom told me I was stupid and treated me like a liar, my older sister said my body was shaped unnaturally and that I sucked at singing, I used to get in trouble when my brothers bullied me, my younger sister treats me like dirt. Although most of my siblings would be sorry for the things they said, those things still stick with me and make me bitter. All that being said, I have many things to be thankful for.
My banjo teacher is like a dad to me and gives me lessons for free. My grandpa takes us out for shooting practice, motorcycle rides, and icecream. My mom shows appreciation for my help by buying me sweets and I know she cares about me. I have a job that I love with free lunches and my bosses value me. Some of my jealousies are either hypocritical or just dumb. Hi there, thanks for sharing. You sound like a sensitive, self aware and intelligent young woman who suffers from feeling really unloved and from a mind that is addicted to negative thinking and seeing all that is wrong.
And yet you realise this, and follow it up with gratitude. You probably grew up with people who are always negative and complaining. Let yourself be you. Let yourself continue to see what IS working and go from there. You seem like a powerful creative person somehow, who will get through all this.
You are human and learning. But one day, in the future, when you have left home and are independent, you will honestly wonder why you ever thought so little of your good self. So stop being so hard on yourself and just accept you are doing the best you can. I left my husband of darn near 30 years, two years ago.
We are both in another relationship. He is unrecognizable to me. Doing things I wanted to do with him. Hanging out with her friends, holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc. His girlfriend is a multiple social media poster, who tags him in every one of them, and I swear to you we would make fun of those couples. But I hate that I have to deal with this new him and share my two kids with him.
Unfortunately I have projected the bitterness onto them at times as well. I want free from caring about what he does, but when I find out he took her on the vacation I wanted to go on, it runs pretty deep. Hi Tessa, it sounds tough. Unfortunately, in long term relationships we get entrenched in patterns that keep us both in a box. We effectively can lose our good sides, not because of the other person, but because of these strong patterns of relating that take over.
In an ideal world couples therapy would have helped you break up in a way that allowed those good sides to finally show, so real peace could be found before the breakup, but here you are, moved on physically if not emotionally. Also, these relating issues can link back to childhood, you might find this is even bigger than just him, which is why it can feel so overwhelming.
I am very bitter, and wish I could stop it, but every day I feel more bitter. My parents were very abusive. I was abused very badly as a child and my father got caught and was cut out of my life, but my mother was given complete custody and she was just as bad. He said disabled people should be lined up against a wall and shot. In my life I have been beaten almost to death, abused in ways I am not saying here, and then as a young adult there was virtually no help until I crashed.
I have been trying to rebuild my life but I scream at night. I am in physical pain a lot too. I got bullied- rocks thrown at me and even burned with cigarettes.
And it just got worse from there. So many people knew I needed help as a child and so many turned their backs on me. I used to run away and try to hide under the neighbors crawlspace and the neighbor found me once and kicked me out without a jacket or shoes. I saw my father hanging from a noose when I was 2 and screamed hysterically and that saved his life, but even after that he was cruel to me. Almost every night, I scream most of the night, even with medication. I am tired of panic, nightmares, shame, flashbacks and feeling terrified most of the time.
So yes, I am bitter. But I also know I will never get justice or anything close to it. My friend tells me to stop daydreaming about revenge, that is pointless, to move on… but I feel so broken and traumatized that just waking up is a struggle.
I just wish those doctors had let me die as a newborn. A lot more went on then I have written. Too much. I resent being here, because if people had simply left me alone I would have died and been spared all of this garbage. But they made money off my life, and I suffered because of them. If I could wave a wand and not be bitter, I would, but I feel renewed bitterness every time I wake up.
I realize that sounds weak, but I am weak. You claim you are weak and faulty, and yet you are intelligent and strong enough to write out this very long very detailed and well written story. We think you have far more resources than you realise. No matter what horrible things happened to you — and, unfortunately, we live in a world where really horrible things happen to people, rape and torture and abuse and terrible, sickening injustices — but no matter what happened to you, you STILL have a choice here.
So either you become a person who had terrible, awful things happen, yes… but now accepts they have choice and power to choose their own life ahead intelligence, for example, that is clearly a gift you have or you stay a victim and spend your entire life bitter and using all the energy you have in telling this story again and again until you are blinded from anything else, and exhausted.
Your choice, your move, your life. I have clumsily stumbled into a beautiful life despite the many missteps that my anger and periods of low self worth have caused me to make. Ours is a bountiful life.
Of course, I struggle with negative thoughts constantly: imprisoned in recollections of past insults, humiliations and what I perceive to be injustices. I am often tormented by anger and wish I had stood up for myself more than I did. My Achilles heel is the perception of mockery and laughter. If I feel I am being stared at or ridiculed, I tend to react with rage, often concealed because the ridicule also engenders a morbid fear.
So the humiliation is compounded by the ignominy of my own cowardice. I want to prevail above my own bitterness so as to enjoy the life I have. Sometimes I feel as though I am trapped behind a glass barrier that is permitting me to observe the life around me while preventing me from becoming fully engaged in it.
But it seems like there is some some impostor syndrome going on here. But you speak of rage and fear, and allude to past experiences. We also spot some rigid thinking patterns. These might be a personality trait.
Some of us learn this from our parents. Some of us develop it as a coping mechanism. It could be worth doing a round of CBT before committing to a longer form therapy that deep dives. You might even benefit from some clinical hypnotherapy. No matter what anyone else said or thinks, you are the person who decides that now. Best, HT. I thank you for my chance to reflect on Anger and Bitterness.
So acknowledging faults is a key step I thought. I scanned some Bible reference but they imply you are mad at people. I am not that foolish. Anger and Bitter feelings can be from anything, most often things likely not the fault of any said individual. But anger and bitterness is a self-consuming spiral. Very frowned upon and not recommended. I, personally will not forgive anyone for my anger and bitterness because no one is to blame, I am just a negative person. And if you ever feel Anger or Bitter, think hard if you really are.
Do not lay blame, do not make accusations. Do not be spiteful. Then, think hard if you are Angry and Bitter. Then, keep your cool, assess your immaturity, see how bad you made a fool of yourself, count your mistakes…and take a 30 second time out and check yourself before you seethe in anger and bitterness. Perhaps understand, you are not where you should be in life and look forward. Others are not to blame for your anger and bitterness. Be merry in the fact you only messed up so much, and do not further the problem you find not to your liking.
Do not cast lots, do not cast blame. Do not, ensue the matter further. That, helped me. It took 30 minutes to face the truth, and took a few days wondering if I was upset. In the end, I made few errors…a couple mistakes…and tested my composure poorly. But, so be it! Nor be snide in my future self. That is the key to identify. Do not be snide in your actions. Angry and Bitter you could make terrible mistakes in life being crude. I luckily caught myself this time around.
I thank you for your site. Not a problem. In fact, shameful to be so petty and immature. Very disgraceful to be so upset. But, I refuse to accept certain truths that allow me to be so rash. Hi there. From what we can gather you are really hard on yourself, and judge yourself a lot for having anger. It helps us set boundaries and take care of ourselves.
If you do have anger issues, they actually DO often come from somewhere. A child deserve love no matter if they are sad or angry or happy. I have been hurt by a lot of people including those l love very much. Sounds tough Dora. So it leads to anxiety and depression amongst other things. Unfortunately even the best person in the world can let us down, as people are different, they have different perspectives and expectations and might not understand ours.
Are you ready to reach out for that help? Counselling would be a very good idea if you had the courage. It will help you build up resilience, raise your self-esteem, and learn new perspective. I am very social and am always reaching out to people. I had an older brother who purposely humiliated me a few Christmas ago, in front of a large family.
He was trying to teach me a lesson because his way is always right and mine was not. I was so hurt and spent most of that Christmas crying. I chose to not attend family functions anymore because many of them were in on it, and no one ever apologized. One heartfelt apology would have done the trick. And yet I know I only learned to apologize from others…because it was never taught in our family. My logic is I am being so ridiculous and spoiled, but my emotions take over and I am furious with most people these days.
Trying to read articles, journal, everything to better this but nothing is working. Some days I feel so much dread and despair to continue on. How stupidly ridiculous am I???? Great article. I read it because I remain angry. My husband left me for another woman.
A friend. Since he left he has been aggressive and angry. He speaks really badly to me and tells me I deserve to be spoken to whenever I point it out. I am struggling to find my power in our relationship with him, We have three children together and have to continue to relate. Hi T, not ridiculous at all. Except in the way you seem to have a hidden belief that you have to be the good, gracious, forgiving person to be accepted and liked.
This is your carefully constructed persona. You are probably the only one who believes in it. People are smarter than we realise. They can probably sense the cost of this persona, the bitterness you feel toward them, the seething repressed anger.
That you are playing a role. Believe it or not, this turns people off. It keeps them at a distance. This might, deep, deep down, even be why you created this persona in the first place. The truth of the matter is that we are ALL human. We are angry, sullen, bitter, mean, nasty, AND lovely, loving, joyful, happy, and kind. And what other people seek is NOT some perfect jolly person. But a person who is comfortable with who she is, who they can trust to accept them as they are.
Can you see how this works? This is not about liking or forgiving or accepting any of these other people. Just as you are. The furious, raging you. The inner nasty you. Those parts are actually necessary and useful. Finally, we would highly recommend therapy. Mandy, that is seriously a tough thing to navigate. The thing now is to simply not judge yourself for feeling so.
Anger is not always bad, sometimes is useful, it helps us continue when we are feeling overwhelmed and helps us set boundaries. If that feels wrong, then consider letting it all out on paper.
Promise yourself to rip the paper up after so your mind feels safe to let go and write out all the angry, wild, and childish things you want to say. Then rip it up after. Other things that can help involve safely punching pillows. Regarding finding your power with him, you are free to make choices here. What makes you feel safe here? Do you want to now only communicate through email or text?
Or only speak through a lawyer? Find the solution that works for you and him right now. And do not overlook a counsellor, it can be a godsend to have someone impartial to rant to and to help you stand in your power. A lot of the responses in here are garbage. Unless you have truly had something happen to you , you will never truly understand what it is like to be bitter and angry.
Hi John, we understand you are angry. But thinking nobody else can get it is a defense mechanism, helping us hold onto the anger, to hide from the fact that behind the anger is often a lot of sadness, too. And a way to keep yourself alone and isolated. In our experience, most people go through at least one terrible thing in life. And given that at least 1 in 4 people experience sexual abuse, for example, there are many, many, many people who have the right to say they understand, if you let them.
You are doing research on bitterness. That others around you are suffering, too. I am feeling very bitter because all the things I tried for the last 15 years did not worked out especially the last four years. I worked my butt off and everything backfired in my face. I did not bring in any money for the last four years and I feel worthless. If I die today or tomorrow I will not mind because except for my wife nobody cares.
Your articles are excellent. I realise that I have a big urge to give but just want some recognition or appreciation which I do not get although I wrote 40 posts on a website in four months. The posts were really not bad as I got my info from the web.
Life is just not worth it anymore. Christo, sounds like you are going through a tough time. But there are some interesting things in your comment. Nothing worked out? Is that really true? In our experience, life is consistently all things — good, bad, up, down. Is it not possible that in 15 years some things DID work out if you think about it? As for not bringing in money and feeling worthless.
In summary, it feels like your brain is on what is called a cognitive distortion loop. When this happens the best things could happen right in front of us and the brain would discount them. But you are NOT what you think. You are much greater than your thoughts. Have you ever tried some counselling? There is a type of therapy you might find useful. It is clear you are struggling to source your esteem from yourself and want it to come from outside of yourself, which never works, but which tends to come from childhood.
So if you had the courage to try a longer form of therapy, such as one that comes from the humanistic school of thought or even schema therapy, it could involve working with a therapist who has a warm, supportive relationship with you that you might really find helpful. Otherwise, you might want to start a mindfulness practise. Finally, read our article on self compassion. And you deserve to show yourself some! HT Best, HT. Hi, I have not been able to let go of my bitterness for every injustice done to me so far in my life.
I have never had a happy childhood. My parents never cared or loved for me. I was always the neglected one whereas my brother was the one getting all the attention, love and care.
My mother always suppressed me and put me down. I felt all alone during my childhood. I even attempted suicide when I was in my high school. I never got any confidence to speak to people or stand up for myself. I did manage to make some good friends owing to my good, soft and timid behavior but in adulthood, I suffered because of unrequited loves.
No guy ever liked me or loved me. I was not upto the standard of this society to be in love with. Ultimately, my parents got me married to a stranger. I was subjected to more abuse and mental harassment there. My husband and in-laws would gang-up against me and inflict all kinds of torture on me. I spent many years of my life taking that harassment. I was always shunted between my parents and in-laws house.
No house felt like my own. Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. Any use of this site constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy linked below. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here.
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Healthy Lifestyle Adult health. Products and services. Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward. By Mayo Clinic Staff. Thank you for Subscribing Our Housecall e-newsletter will keep you up-to-date on the latest health information. Please try again. Something went wrong on our side, please try again. Show references Rakel D, ed.
In: Integrative Medicine. Philadelphia, Pa. Accessed Oct. Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health. American Psychological Association. Akhtar S, et al. Understanding the relationship between state forgiveness and psychological wellbeing: A qualitative study. Journal of Religion and Health.
Ferrell B, et al. Nurses' responses to requests for forgiveness at the end of life. Journal of Pain and Symptom Management.
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